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KKK, Quit Your Night Jobs

Photo credit: UPN With shows like UPN's "The Parkers," we get the opportunity to act a fool twice a week.

By Danielle Scruggs and Shani O. Hilton, a.k.a. "a Concerned Coon"
Black College Wire

Dear Ku Klux Klan, Aryan Nation, neo-Nazis and other white supremacist organizations:

On behalf of the black population, I'd like to extend my thanks and gratitude for your sincere efforts to tear us down, destroy our image and simply mess us up.

However, I'd like to ease your minds by letting you know: WE'VE GOT THIS.

Feel free to enjoy a beer on your front porch, watch some reruns of the "Andy Griffith Show" and take a shot at the occasional coon who passes by.

I appreciate the 100-plus years you've dedicated to annihilating African Americans, but hey, I think it's time we gave it a shot.

We got off to a good start with "Shaft," "Foxy Brown" and every other movie starring a black person in the '70s. We took it a little further with the "got-to-get-up- out-the-ghetto" movies of the '80s and '90s, including "Menace II Society," "The Players Club" and "New Jack City."

Also, with the advent of gangsta rap, we made it possible for your kind to enjoy our foibles. Who can forget such classics as "B*****s Ain't Sh*t," "F**k the Police," and "2 of Amerikaz Most Wanted"?

But lately, we've really been giving it our all! BET (Black Exploitation Television) has made it possible for the whole world to see "the way we ball," while we're "stompin' in our Air Force Ones," and watching the females of our race "shake it like a salt shaker / Polaroid picture / fast." Simply put, everyone can see how just easily entertained we are.

Ah, and good old UPN (U Pick a Negro)! What with "The Parkers," "Girlfriends," "Half and Half" and "One on One," we get the opportunity to act a fool twice a week! Who needs high drama when you've got coons, mammies and oversexed jezebels to laugh at for hours at a time?

These preconceptions make your job SO much easier, don't ya' think?

And when we go to work, employers are justified in not promoting us, since we were up so late watching BET's "Uncut" that we couldn't make it to work on time. Besides, if you put a black man in a high position, he's sure to rape every white female in sight, tap every black woman's posterior and decorate his office with "throwback" jerseys and pictures of naked Janet Jackson.

Also, there is our utter lack of family values and morals. Black women usually have six kids, and at least eight baby-daddies, not to mention a bad weave and four-inch fingernails. And though you can count on none of those daddies living in the same house, we'll bet they all live on the same block.

Of course, on Sundays, we head to church. For six hours. Because that's what black people do. We pray to "Tha Man Upstairz" to forgive us for shaking it up all night at the club. But now, we have the Church of James!

The NBA's LeBron James, that is. He's another role model for our children. And we tell our babies that it IS realistic to want to be like a boy who received $90 million for doing absolutely nothing but endorsing Nike shoes. Allen Iverson, Tracy McGrady, Kobe Bryant (and look what happened to him -- isn't that encouraging?) and the rest of King James' disciples are shining examples of the black American dream: getting a lot while doing nothing to serve society. Kinda like affirmative action!

Although, our supremacist friends, there is one thing you can do. Take out Oprah. She's making it difficult for us to maintain our image as shiftless, uneducated and poor. She and Star Jones. And Denzel. And Mekhi. And Blair, Halle, Dr. Benjamin Carson, Sharpton, Powell, Condi, Mandela, Archbishop Tutu -- and the Huxtables.

Danielle Scruggs and Shani O. Hilton, students at Howard University, write for The Hilltop.

Posted March 12, 2004