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Love and Marriage on Campus: Today and Yesterday

By Shauntel Lowe
Black College Wire

Joshua Felder and Kirby Mullins

Joshua Felder and Kirby Mullins

Joshua Felder, 23, thought that once his long-distance girlfriend, Kirby Mullins, 20, got to Hampton University their relationship would have a chance to develop even more. But once she arrived, the relationship ended.

He said Mullins wanted to experience college and they broke up until her sophomore year. Since then, they have been best friends and are now engaged. Felder, who graduated from Hampton last spring, is now working for NASA as a technical writer while Mullins finishes her final two years of school.

"I keep telling her all the time that I want to hurry up and have kids and get them out of the house already," he said.

Felder said one of the keys to the success of their relationship is that they give each other space and consider each other when making decisions. He said he stopped drinking and eating red meat in order to be healthy and live longer to be with Mullins. He said he views getting married young as an advantage over those who get married in their thirties or fourties.

"A lot of times when people get married older, they end up splitting up because the woman and man are set in their ways. We are both young. We're not going to be set in our individual ways. We can grow up together," he said. He said many older men tell him tales of what they were doing when they were 23, like dating "x-amount" of women.

"Now they have this amount of ex-wives and kids they have to pay child support for," he said.

Felder said it's important to get married for the right reason. "The worst thing in the world is for you to be engaged to please the person you're with and you end up miserable. Make sure it's something you want to do."

Nicole and Dameon Douglass

Six months into a new relationship at age 20, Nicole Douglass found out she was pregnant. Her reaction: walk down the aisle. Douglass was an electrical engineering student at San Diego State University at the time, but quickly added the titles wife and mother once she married her then-boyfriend Dameon Douglass, now 23, and gave birth to a son, Dameon Jr. Now, two years later, Douglass, 22, struggles to juggle her duties as wife and mother on top of being a full-time student and interning 15 hours every week at an engineering company. Her secret: no sleep and a good daycare.

"I can't study until [Dameon Jr.'s] asleep because he'll tear up my books," she said. Douglass' husband serves in the United States Navy, leaving her to care for her son alone while Dameon Sr. is deployed. Even when her husband is home, Douglass said the couple doesn't get to spend much time together.

"I don't have a lot of time for him. He understands (...) My husband always thinks that school isn't really that hard to do. I work and go to school," she said.

Even with her struggles, Douglass said she sees nothing wrong with getting married young and was "very happy" when her husband proposed. "Pretty much everyone in my family got married at that age, had kids at that age. It's not a big deal," she said.

Douglass said she partied enough during her first few years of college that she doesn't feel the need to do so now, nor does she have the time. Now her son motivates her to persevere. "Sometimes I feel like I want to quit. [Having a son] makes me keep going."

Jennifer Davis and Leon Chisolm

Jennifer Davis and Leon Chisolm

In the 2002 movie Brown Sugar, rapper/actress Queen Latifah's character advises her best friend to date a lifelong friend because she says he's the "best of both worlds" of friendship and dating. Hampton University graduate students Jennifer Davis and Leon Chisolm have brought that storyline to life, transforming a deep friendship into an engagement. Both Davis and

Chisolm are in the final year of Hampton's five-year MBA program. They got engaged in August and plan to marry in June 2008.

Davis, 22, said she had never dated someone she was friends with first prior to Chisolm, 23, for fear of what the trials of dating would do to a friendship. But with Chisolm, it appears she had nothing to worry about.

"Even though we had our ups and downs, our friendship never went away. It just evolved into a relationship," she said.

Chisolm said though the couples' road to engagement was spotted with stressful times, falling outs and periods when they didn't even speak to each other, it all worked to strengthen their relationship and prepare them for the difficulties of marriage.

He calls Davis his "dream woman in every aspect, in every way." "She helps me be a better person. Without her I would kind of be lost," he said. "I've always intended on marrying her."

Davis said they were brought together by God and that is what kept them through the hard times, such as being apart. Davis is from Waverly Hall, Ga. and Chisolm is from Killeen, Texas. "When I'm not with him, I feel like a part of me is missing," she said.

Davis and Chisolm said maturity and commitment helped their relationship develop to the point of engagement, even at what some might consider to be a young age.

"I wanted to have children before a certain age so I knew marriage had to come before that," Davis said.

She added that the challenge of planning a wedding set in Georgia while in school at Hampton has increased her patience and given her an appreciation for the time she has with friends, knowing soon she won't have as much time.

Chisolm said he has scaled back some of his friendships with other women out of respect for Davis and to head off any drama.

"I've had to cut down on female friends, get rid of some female friends that were too closely associated in the past. It brings a lot of tension when you have people assuming things that are incorrect. Not having to worry about other people saying things, bringing doubts makes it easier for your relationship to grow," he said.

Both said they don't feel like they're missing out on anything by getting married at this age and look forward to building their careers and lives together.

Victor and Cheryl Marsh

Victor and Cheryl Marsh

Each night after dinner while they were dating, Victor and Cheryl Marsh would take an hour-long walk during which only the topic of the night could be discussed. No subject was off limits, from politics to what pleased each person in bed. It was during these walks that the couple, who have now been married for 27 years, laid the foundation for their marriage by gaining an intimate knowledge of one another.

They were the stereotypical football star-cheerleader couple in high school, but have defied the increasingly common trend of ending their relationship in divorce. Victor, who graduated from the University of Michigan and taught at Northeastern University School of Law as an Irving Perlmuetter Scholar of Law, said, "Some folks' names are in pencil," referring to the lack of commitment many married couples display.

"I told my wife, if she ever left me I would move across the hall, but I ain't cooking for her boyfriend," Victor joked.

Cheryl, who graduated from Eastern Michigan University, said what many couples are missing is communication, leading to the downfall of their relationships.

"No one else can solve that problem for you, other than the person in that relationship. Avoid bringing other people in the center of whatever is going on between the two of you," she said.

Victor said couples need to strengthen one another in order to make it through difficult times.

"When one member of the relationship is crying, the other one should taste salt. That's the high level of commitment and love you should have for one another," he said.

Victor and Cheryl have endured hard times themselves, as parents of Victor II, a recent graduate of Princeton University, and John, a senior at Florida A&M and former Black College Wire intern. Cheryl is also a breast cancer of survivor of nearly three years.

The Marshes got married two years after getting engaged and after both individuals had finished their undergraduate programs. Cheryl said getting married at that age may not work for everyone, but she had always been a "settled" person looking forward to marriage and family.

"I did not want to be a 70-year-old with a young person in college. We really wanted to be the kind of parents who are energetic and vivacious," she said.

Victor said marrying Cheryl was, "the ultimate no-brainer." He has also broken from the traditional husband role to be the cook in the family.

"Guys would buy a large bag of potato chips, two liters of soda and wait until their wives come home and go cook. If this thing is a partnership, I can get in this kitchen and have my wife's plate ready," he said.

Both said the best advice they give to young couples looking to get married is to look at the parents of the person they are dating because, "There's 85 to 90 percent chance that's going to be you 20 years from now," Victor said.

"I know I would do it all over again," Victor said. "She is the love of my lifetime."

Shauntel Lowe is a recent graduate of UCLA and a regular contributor to Black College Wire.

Posted Feb. 12, 2008